


After the Mountain

by Biggie_444



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Clexa, Don't Know Know Where I Will Take This, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Feels, Mental Instability, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3890554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biggie_444/pseuds/Biggie_444
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the end of season 2 this is my take on what happens after Clarke leaves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is my first ever fan-fic born from an obsession with everything The 100 after watching all 29 episodes one weekend. I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Also a warning that this chapter contains scenes of attempted suicide. I'm sorry i didn't include this warning when i first uploaded this fic, i can't believe it didn't even cross my mind that i should have. If i caused anyone any distress i am very sorry.

** After the Mountain **

****

** Introduction **

****

Clarke never wanted to lead, she never wanted to make the kind of decisions that she has had to. The kind that put other people in danger, her friends in danger or worse, get them killed. She just wanted to survive, to help her friends survive, to explore this planet that her ancestors had once called home. The Earth however was not as empty as they had thought.

 

They came to call them “Grounders”, descendants of those that managed to survive the Great War, and they were killing her people. Clarke didn’t know why, the 100 had done nothing against them they didn’t even know that they existed, but they attacked anyway. To help her people, to keep them safe, she had to be strong. She put up a front, a mask to keep herself strong and not let her friends see how scared she actually was, to keep them strong and inspire her friends to do what needed to be done so they could survive.

 

It wasn’t long before the first crack appeared in that mask, a small one compared to others it came to bare but damaging none the less. When Clarke closed the dropship door and ordered Jasper to fire the engines she knew full well that two of her then closest friends could be incinerated along with the attacking Grounder army but she had no choice. She gave the order anyway knowing that if she didn’t then they would all die but it still tore are her heart. To make the call to end almost 300 lives left a lasting scar on Clarke that would never heal and it wouldn’t be the last.

 

The next crack came after the Ark had fallen to Earth. When still locked inside Mount Weather Clarke’s closest and most trusted friend Finn, the boy she was falling in love with, committed a terrible crime against the grounders. While searching for her, fearing that she had been taken captive in the aftermath of the dropship, he came across a village and in his desperation to find her had killed 18 innocent people bringing down a massive grounder army upon the Ark survivors.

 

After escaping from the mountain and finding her way to the fallen Ark Clarke had managed to negotiate an alliance with the grounder leader, their Commander, a young and beautiful but also strong and terrifying woman by the name of Lexa. The alliance was to ensure the safety of the Arkers but to also come together to fight their common enemy, the people of the mountain, and rescue the rest of her people. The cost was high however, too high. Finn would have to be given to the grounders, his life to be taken to answer for his crime, sacrificed to give the grounders justice.  

 

She wasn’t going to do this, there had to be some other way but before Clarke could think of anything Finn gave himself up to the grounders. They tied him to a post in front of the fallen Ark for all to see. There they would exact their justice for all to see, torture him, kill him, to make him feel the deaths of all 18 innocents he had killed.

 

Clarke could only think of one thing. She went out to the grounder camp with a blade hidden in her sleeve, given to her by Raven to try and kill the Commander. She couldn’t do that. She knew that the alliance was going to be the only thing that would save everyone in the Ark from certain death. She tried to talk to Lexa, to find another way, she begged but it was futile and she knew it.

 

When Clarke asked if she could say goodbye Lexa said yes. She moved over to Finn, shaking, scared, but knowing that what she was about to do was the only way she could help him even though she could not save him. She embraced him, told him that she loved him while carefully sliding the knife out of her sleeve. She pushed the knife carefully into him, between his ribs and up into his heart. He thanked her before he passed out, slipping away quietly, blood running freely from the wound to cover her hands. The grounders were furious but Lexa let her live because she knew that Clarke would carry the pain of this act with her for the rest of her life. She couldn’t have been more right.

 

Clarkes mind began to fray after this. Even after cleaning away the blood she couldn’t stop seeing it on her hands, hearing Ravens screams, taking no comfort in the thanks he gave her. She saw him everywhere staring at her not saying a single word. Her mask was damaged, it had slipped, and everyone had seen her vulnerable and reeling that night. The pity was almost too much to bare. Only through concentrating on holding the alliance together and rescuing the remaining 47 of her people from Mount Weather did she manage to pull herself back together and move past it but she never forgot and never would.

 

The third crack happened at Ton dc. When Bellamy had told her about the missile that Mount Weather was preparing to launch at the town Clarke had rode as fast as she could to try and save the people that lived there, to save the leaders of the alliance that had gathered there for a meeting.

 

When Clarke got there she went to speak to Lexa privately expecting her to order an evacuation. She didn’t. She decided to let the town be destroyed, to let the Mountain Men think that they had been successful. A strategy, she said, to buy time for planning the attack on the mountain, to not draw attention to Bellamy before he completed his mission. Clarke did not like it but Lexa convinced her to leave. To save the town would alert the Mountain that there was a spy and they needed Bellamy to open the mountain, disable its defences, to save their people.

 

Clarke tried to get Lexa to change her mind, to return and quietly save as many as possible but she wouldn’t listen. It was only when Clarke saw her mother in the town that she went back. She grabbed her, begging her to leave with and pulled her out just before the missile hit. When they recovered from the blast Abby knew, she could see it on Clarke’s face, in her eyes. She knew that Clarke had known about the missile and the fact that her daughter hadn’t tried to save the people horrified her. Abby begged Clarke to tell her that Lexa had forced her to remain silent, to leave everyone there to die, but she couldn’t. No matter how much she disliked what Lexa asked her to do she had gone along with it of her own free will. The blood of the almost 250 people would forever be on her hands and her mother feared Clarke would not be able to wash it off this time. The horrified shame and disgust that Abby had in her eyes that moment had broken Clarkes heart. That her mother thought her a monster cut deeply and Clarke would never fully recover.

 

The final cracks, the ones that destroyed her mask entirely, came during the attack on Mount Weather. There had been complications. Even though Raven and her team had succeeded in shutting down the power from the dam they were having trouble blowing the door. The remote detonator wouldn’t work and when they attempted to reach the door they were fired upon from further up the mountain. Lexa had left with some of her warrior to stop the shooting but time was running out and it was only with a perfect shot that Lincoln managed to blow the door mere seconds before the backup power kicked in to seal the door tight. That was it, Clarke had given the order and the army surged forward to finally breach Mount Weather. That’s when everything started to go horribly wrong. An order shouted across the field brought the army to a halt. Lexa reappeared with Emerson, walking across to the door of the mountain and Clarke. She was confused. Had they surrendered? Were they scared of the combined force of the grounders and Arkers so much that they decided it would be better to give up than try and fight them? No. What happened next crushed Clarke her mask splintering under the weight. Lexa had betrayed her. This young woman who Clarke was growing to respect, to admire and maybe even to love, who was teaching her about being a leader, who had kissed her and who she had kissed back, made a deal with Cage Wallace, the new president of the mountain, saving her own people at the cost of Clarkes. Anger filled Clarke in that moment, rage even but it was drowned out by the feeling of utter devastation as hope died and her heart broke anew. She knew that Lexa would always choose her own people over Clarkes but she thought that the commander cared, at the very least about her. As the captive grounders made their way out of the mountain Clarke pleaded with Lexa to change her mind but she wouldn’t, saying that she had to make the decision with her head and not her heart. Lexa’s parting words of “May we meet again” were left unanswered as Clarke’s world threatened to collapse in on itself.

 

The Grounder armies retreated leaving the Arks forces to die and knowing this they no choice but to pull back leaving Clarke standing in front of the mountains door, alone. Even with her hope smothered and her heart in pieces she was not going to give up on her people still in the mountain being tortured and killed. Using the anger she could now feel coursing through her body to reset her determination to rescue them she ran into the reaper tunnels and found Octavia. They argued, Octavia still angry at Clarke for letting the people at Ton dc die, angry that Clarke wasn’t doing a good enough job for the people that were counting on her. Clarke was hurting already and this just added to the pain. She was doing the best she could, she never asked for any of this, never asked to lead but everyone always looked to her for the answers or the plan or whatever they needed at that particular time. It was all too much and Clarke felt trapped and alone except when she was with Lexa but now she was gone and Clarke was crumbling under the pressure, her mask breaking while she struggled to remain in control. Bellamy finally showed up and saved her from Octavia’s hateful glare. He opened the door and let them into the mountain.

 

What happened in the control room was the final shattering blow. Killing Dante, while difficult, wasn’t as hard as she thought it would be. It turned out that he was the one that made the deal with Lexa, he was to blame for her leaving Clarke and her people to die in the hands of his. He needed to die so Cage would believe that Clarke wasn’t bluffing. She made Monty hack the system to come up with a way to irradiate level 5, her final terrible option if Cage would not back down. After seeing him put her mom on the table, seeing the agonizing screams on her face as the doctor drilled into her bones, she pulled the lever. Even though Bellamy had said that they would do it together, his hand on top of hers, she could feel that he didn’t have the will. His hand just moved back with hers as she pulled the level towards her, the act hers alone.

 

When she reached level 5 where her people were being held she struggled to hold herself together. The mask was in pieces now and only through sheer force of will did it not fall and Clarke with it. The sight of the bodies, burnt from the inside out by the radiation, seared itself into her mind. She struggled to fight back tears when she found Jasper holding Maya in his arms a look of hatred and sorrow in his eyes when he looked up at Clarke asking her what she had done but already knowing. She tried to make him understand that she didn’t have a choice but he didn’t. Clarke lost a friend then.

 

When she saw the children the pieces started to fall away. She fell to the floor, her legs not able to hold her up anymore. The tears that had burned in her eyes since arriving on the level finally started to fall, leaving hot trails down her cheeks before falling to the floor. They were so small, so innocent, but she still killed them. She almost gave into despair, her arms crossed tightly over her chest as if to forcibly hold back the sobs that were aching to come forth but forced herself to look away, to stand and carry on towards the dorm, she needed to get her people out of the mountain, all this death would not be for nothing.

 

The journey back to Camp Jaha was almost impossible for Clarke. She could hear hushed whispers being passed around by the group as they moved through the forest. They knew what she had done and while they knew she didn’t have a choice they couldn’t help but to be a little scared of her now. She had moved to the front of the group so she couldn’t see them and they couldn’t see the tears that steamed down her face. She couldn’t bear to look them in the eye, especially Jasper, the hate she would have seen there would have been too much to bare. Little of her mask remained now and she feared if she did look at them it would all fall and she wouldn’t be able to see them back to camp Jaha. Clarke knew what she had to do but wanted to see her friends safe first.

 

Clarke watched as her friends run towards the camp, the guards see them approach call out to the rest of the camp opening the gates. Parents come forward hope in their eyes that they might see their children in the group, some were overcome with joy and others broke down in tears. She looks on from just outside the gate resolved to do what she knew she had to. Bellamy seeing the turmoil on her face went to her side. They talk but her mind is made up. He begs for her to stay, offering her forgiveness, but it is hollow and means nothing. There is no one left to give her forgiveness for what she has done and she knows she wouldn’t accept it if there was. She makes him promise to look after them, the last of the 100, her people. He agrees and after a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye she turns and walks away back towards the forest. She can’t bear to be with them now, she doesn’t deserve to be, seeing them every day would only remind her of what she did to save them  As she enters the tree line she turned back towards the camp just in time to see Bellamy’s head fall to his chest. He looked back up one last time before he turned to walk back through the gate. He closed it behind him and moved to help where he could.

 

With no more eyes on her Clarke lets the last of the mask fall away. Tears well up in her eyes as she allows herself to feel everything that she had kept locked up inside. They roll down her cheeks as she falls to her knees, her shaking legs unable to hold her up any longer. The first sobs come and she clenches her hands over her broken heart the overwhelming guilt for all the lives she has taken threating to crush what was left to dust. Breath leaves and enters her in short ragged gasps as the horror of what she had done floods into her mind. She is a monster, the realization tearing at her soul. She remembers the 300 she burned to ashes with a mere nod of her head and her stomach churns. She remembers Finn and the knife slipping into his heart, feeling the blood on her hands that she had tried to wash away many times. She remembers the 250 she left to die to the missile attack on Ton dc and her eyes start to burn bringing forth more tears. Then she remembers the mountain and the 350 live she claimed there. She wants to scream at the memory of the children, blistered and lifeless, but she knows she is still too close to the camp and someone would hear. She wanted to be alone with her grief, her pain caused by the terrible things she had done. She fought to get back onto her feet and stumbled forward, further into the forest. Clarke would have to try and come to terms with what she had done or it would consume her but at that moment she didn’t care which, she just wanted to be alone.

 

** Chapter 1 **

****

Octavia moved through the forest, gracefully, silent, not disturbing even a single leaf as she stalked her prey. Lincoln was close behind her, not close enough that he would interfere but close enough that he could protect her if need be. He had continued to teach her the ways of the tree clan even after they had both been branded traitor and cast out. Indra had taught her much about fighting and killing and Octavia was now a fierce warrior but there were still many aspects of life on the ground she still needed to learn.

 

Today was a lesson in hunting. Lincoln wanted to teach Octavia how to live off the land, to be self-sufficient and able to take care of herself if the need arose. Hunting would allow her to feed herself, clothe herself and teach her valuable tracking skills that would only serve to enhance her abilities as a warrior. He had started by explaining some of the signs and tracks that could be commonly found in the forest. Signs that indicated the passing of various animals and how they differed from one another. They had settled into tracking a young deer, the path it left easy enough to follow for Octavia’s first hunt.

 

She was doing well and Lincoln was proud that the woman he loved was such a quick learner. They had already followed the signs to a clearing where they had managed to catch a glimpse of their prey. Lincoln had suggested he hang back and watch, giving instructions on how to achieve a clean kill with the throwing knives the tree clan used for hunting. This would be Octavia’s first successful hunt and he did not want to spoil it for her.

 

Octavia was almost ready to strike, a knife in her hand as she closed just a little more on her target. She drew the knife up past her head, holding it by the blade, and took aim. She was just about to throw it when something in the corner of her eye caught her attention. She moved out of cover towards the object startling the deer and it ran off through the trees.

 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Lincoln asked as he caught up, he looked from Octavia to the fleeing deer confused “you’re letting it get away!”

 

Octavia didn’t respond. She moved over to a nearby downed tree, putting the knife back into its sheath and crouched. She moved her hands through the leaves on the ground until they found what she was looking for. Lifting it up out of the dirt she gasped when she saw what it was.

 

“Th…this is…” she stammered looking down at the watch she had in her hand. Her head shot up and she looked around wildly, looking over the ground, searching for a sign. Seeing this Lincoln moved to her side. He put his hand on her shoulder trying to calm her down.

 

“What is it?” concern filling his voice “what did you find?” Octavia stopped looking around and focused on Lincoln. She took his hand from her shoulder and pressed the watch into his palm. He looked down turning it over in his hand until realization grasped him.

 

“Is this…?” he started before being cut off by Octavia.

 

“Yes”

 

“Are you sure?” a questioning tone upon his voice, he could not help but think that she was stretching a little. She snatched the watch back out of his hand.

 

“Yes!” she bit back not liking the doubt in his voice. She had seen this watch many times before and was positive. Octavia looked back to the ground trying to look for the signs she knew were there “I’m not very good at this Lincoln” she looked back to him pleading with her eyes “tell me how long”. He stepped forward and looked down taking in the scene before him. The log had fallen next to a large tree creating a sort of semi hidden nook where they touched. He crouched, moved aside some of the leaves covering the ground.

 

“Someone slept here” he explained motioning to some faded marks in the loose dirt “no more than two nights ago maybe less”.

 

“Not just someone Lincoln” Octavia’s voice held hope as she took a knee next to Lincoln “it had to be her” she whispered a smile making its way onto her cheeks. Lincoln moved some more of the leaves out of the way and stopped, tracing his fingers over some relatively fresh tracks.

 

“Wolves” he noted with a grave tone to his voice “she is being hunted”. He looked to Octavia, the smile fading making way for concern.

 

“Which way?” Octavia asked her voice laced with worry “we have to find her, which way!?” Lincoln studied the ground a little more, making out some light tracks that could only have been made by a human. The wolves’ tracks followed in the same direction.

 

“That way” he stood and pointed to a faint path through the trees “I will take the lead” he pulled Octavia to her feet “you keep close”. With that he jogged off down the path keeping his eyes on the ground to follow the barely perceptible trail.  

 

“You better be alive Clarke” Octavia said under her breath. She tucked the watch into one of her pouches and sprinted off to join him.

 

\----------x----------

 

Guilt, pain, grief. These were all that Clarke had left now. When she wandered into the forest it was to try and find a way to cope with these feelings, to try and come to terms with the things that she had to do to protect her people. Instead these feelings had consumed her. She was barely keeping herself alive. She considered just letting herself wither away, to die, but could never actually bring herself to do it. She only ate and drank when she could no longer ignore the pain of her body consuming itself and sleep, sleep never came. Sure she would collapse from time to time from exhaustion but even that was cut short by the nightmares.

 

The nightmares tormented Clarke night and day, be she awake or unconscious. She could see the bodies, hear the screams and smell the burning flesh but the worst were the children. They would come to her in dreams, playing and laughing like nothing was wrong, but those dreams would quickly turn nightmare. Their skin would burn and boil and they would scream. Clarke would try to help but at her touch they would worsen and fall to the floor dead. She would drop to her knees pleading with them to get up, screaming that she was sorry but there was nothing she could do. That’s when she would jerk awake crying uncontrollably, panic gripping her as her fractured mind fought to distinguish dream from reality. She would hurt herself in this delirium, pulling at her hair until it came away in clumps, scratch her face and arms so deeply she would bleed freely. At times her distress would be so intense that she would pull her gun from its holster and hold it to her head, sobbing, screaming to the world, trying to will herself to pull the trigger and end her pain. She could never bring herself to do it though.

 

Today was one of those days she could no longer ignore her need for water. Clarke steadied herself up against a large tree and closed her eyes, listening to the forest around her. It was hard with her head throbbing because dehydration but if there was one good thing that had come from her self-imposed exile it was that she had become very aware of the sounds of the forest. She picked up the faintest sound of trickling water on the breeze that was caressing her skin and moved in its general direction to find the source, stumbling as her weakened body fought to stay upright. It was a small creek, fed by a small stream, running down a little cliff into a small pool at the base. Clarke fell to her knees next to the pool and dove her hands and arms into the water. She had discarded her jacket and gloves long ago so when the cool water met the fresh scratches on her bare arms she could not help but hiss through gritted teeth. When the stinging subsided a few seconds later she cupped her hands together to bring some water up to her mouth.

 

Clarke started to drink slowly, the cold water making her teeth ache as she took her fill. A tiny sound coming from the bushes behind her suddenly caught her attention and she froze. Her right hand went to her handgun and she slowly pulled it from its holster as she turned towards the sound. She didn’t know how much ammo she had left in the gun and didn’t really care. If someone or something had come to do her harm she might just let them. Slowly she shuffled forwards towards the bushes, handgun up in front of her though in her weakened state she couldn’t keep it steady. It was then she became aware of a low growling sound coming from behind her. She spun quickly just in time to see the fangs of a wolf bearing down on her.

 

The wolf had pounced at her from on top of the cliff and before Clarke could do anything about it she was falling, the weight of the beast bringing her to the ground. When her back hit the dirt she let out a yelp and her finger squeezed the trigger of her gun. The bullet went far wide having not being aimed at anything but the loud noise had been enough to make the wolf jump off her and move back, circling around so its back was to the bushes. Clarke rolled and scrambled to her feet. She turned to face the now snarling wolf and slowly shuffled backwards until she was pressed up against the cliff face. She brought the gun up and was about to shoot when she noticed movement in the bushes. Two more wolves moved to join the first all snarling, drooling, hunger evident in their rabid eyes. She could hear more growls coming from the cliff top above her, could hear the sound of claws scratching against rock, but instead of fear she felt something that was now entirely foreign to her. She felt relief.

 

“Finally” she sighed a small chuckle escaping her lips. Clarke steps forward slightly sliding the gun back into its holster. She raised her arms up, out to her sides, and closed her eyes waiting for the wolves to tear her apart. It’s no less than she deserved she thought, at least the nightmares would finally end.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

Only a few hours had passed since they had found Clarkes watch but Lincoln and Octavia had all but caught up with their lost friend. The path she had travelled through the forest had been easy for someone of Lincoln’s skill to follow and before long he had stopped ahead of Octavia by a large tree. He took a knee and stared intently at the ground.

 

“What is it?” Octavia called breathlessly as she vaulted over an old fallen tree. She came to a stop a few meters away from Lincoln and bent over, placing her hands on her knees taking a few deep breaths to steady herself. “What did you find?”

 

“These where made recently” He motioned to the boot prints in the soft dirt at the base of the tree. “An hour perhaps, maybe less”. Octavia was standing over him now looking at where he was pointing.

 

“Only an hour?” a little confusion in her voice. With such a lead on them she had expected it to take longer to catch up. “Surely she should have gotten further in day or two” Lincoln turned to look up at Octavia.

 

“She isn’t moving very quickly, it’s like she is stumbling around never moving in a straight line or with any speed” Lincoln explained a tinge of concern slipping into his words. “She maybe injured or at least weakened”.

 

“Well if that’s true she can’t be far” Octavia said worry now visible on her face. “Come on Lincoln which way did sh….” A gunshot suddenly rang out through the woods cutting her off. Octavia spun to face the direction it came from and without thinking took off at top speed her previous tiredness forgotten. There was no one else out here with a gun, the grounders feared them and all the people of the mountain were gone, it had to be Clarke.

 

Even Lincoln had trouble keeping up with Octavia as she sprinted towards the gunshot. She moved over and around obstacles so quickly it was like they weren’t even there. They had both drawn their swords by the time their eyes fell upon Clarke. She was standing in front of a small cliff, eyes closed arms outstretched, with three wolves prowling around in front of her. What they saw next caused their hearts jump into their throats. A large wolf, one of the biggest Lincoln had ever seen, fell upon Clarke clamping its jaw over her right shoulder as it dropped her to the ground.

 

“No….CLARKE!!!!!” Octavia screamed as she took off towards her friend. The other wolves turned at the sound and charged towards her. The distance between them was closing fast and Lincoln was too far away to help. He dropped his sword to the ground and drew his bow, nocking an arrow as he took aim. He pulled back and released the arrow in one fluid motion. It flew through the air and passed by Octavia striking one of the wolves between the eyes. It fell to the ground dead, its momentum flipping it over as its head drug into the dirt. There was no time to fire another arrow so Lincoln stooped to the ground, picking up his sword as he put the bow back around his body, and sprinted after Octavia.

 

She was running as fast as she could. She needed to help Clarke, she wouldn’t let her die. Octavia barely noticed the arrow as it felled one of the beasts that was blocking her path, her focus was solely on the wolf tearing into Clarke and the screams that were coming from her friend. She noticed, almost too late, that the two other wolves were now almost on top of her. They leapt at the last second and she dropped to her knees, sliding underneath them. She brought her sword up thrusting it at the underside of one of the wolves. It went deep, going clean through, and out the out the other side. The momentum of the wolf ripped the sword from her grasp and it fell to the ground still buried inside the wolfs body. Octavia got back to her feet and carried on towards Clarke barely losing a step after the slide.

 

The wolf on top Clarke was now clawing at her back, cutting deep wounds that brought out deep, blood curdling, screams of pain from her friend. Its jaw was still clamped around her shoulder tearing at flesh with every jerking motion of its head. The fur around the wolf’s jaw was soaked with her blood now, its paws covered also. Octavia drew her knife from its sheath, turning it until she was holding it by the blade. She brought the knife up past her head and took aim. She threw the knife a split second before the remaining wolf closed its jaw around her ankle, tripping her and sending her to the ground.

 

Lincoln had almost caught up when Octavia went down. His heart thundering in his chest as he pushed himself to go faster. When he got to where she landed she was on her back, the wolf on top of her jaw clamped around the bracer on her right arm, claws tearing at the leather of her jacket. He grabbed the wolf around the middle and tore it away from his love. He turned and using the momentum of the swing he threw the wolf away. Having dropped his sword again to grab the wolf he drew one of the knives from his belt and moved towards the beast. It had landed hard on its side and was struggling to stand. When Lincoln was close enough he knelt down, pressing his knee to the wolf’s throat, and trust the knife into its side. When the struggling had stopped he pulled it back out, wiping the blood off on its fur and put the knife back into its sheath. He turned back to help Octavia but she had already gotten back to her feet and had moved over to Clarke.

 

After Lincoln had pulled the wolf off of her Octavia had turned her attention back to Clarke, she hadn’t seen if her knife had found its target but she could no longer her the tortured screams of her friend and she feared the worst. She scrambled back to her feet and closed the remaining distance between them quickly. As she got closer she noticed that her knife had indeed found its mark and was now sticking proudly out the top of the wolf’s head. She couldn’t help a small smile forming at the edges of her mouth until she noticed that Clarke wasn’t moving either. She dent down, dragging the dead wolf off of Clarke and what she saw, caused her breath to catch in her throat and her heart to stop. Clarke shirt was shredded, deep bleeding gashes in her back soaked her with blood and the wound around her shoulder was gory and turned her stomach when her eyes fell upon it. Tears formed in Octavia’s eyes as she moved back down to her friend fearing she was dead.

 

“No…no…no…” she mumbled the tears started falling from her eyes. “Please Clarke get up….just get up…please!” Lincoln was standing over her now, his heart aching with sadness at hearing his lover’s pleas. He bent knelt down next to Clarke opposite Octavia and moved his hand to her throat, middle and index fingers stretched out, checking for a pulse. His eyes widened as he found one, it was weak but it was definitely there.

 

“She’s alive…” he looked up at Octavia who was now sitting down, knees up to her face crying. He shouted to get her attention “Octavia!”

 

“What!?” her head snapped up, her eyes full of tears.

 

“She is alive!” Lincoln spoke firmly “but we need to be quick she is losing a lot of blood. We have to close these wounds”. Octavia was back onto her knees now, leaning forward over Clarke holding her hand.

 

“How?” she questioned “We are in the middle of nowhere and don’t have a med kit”. She was starting to panic. Clarke wasn’t dead but if they didn’t do something quickly she was going to be.

 

“There is a way” began Lincoln “you are probably not going to like it but there is nothing else we can do” He expected questions but was shocked and a little proud when Octavia jumped to her feet and asked only one.

 

“What do you need?” determination filling have voice as she wiped the tears from her eyes. She was not going to sit by and let her friend die not when there is a chance they could save her. Lincoln looked up into her eyes before he spoke.

 

“Fire” He thought he saw a little wince come across her face at the word, realization dawning in her eyes, but when she moved back towards the trees to find firewood, pausing briefly to reclaim her sword, he smiled. She was truly amazing he thought. She had shown no hesitation at all in coming to her friend’s aid, even when faced with a pack of hungry wolves she had still charged forward to save her friend. There are many among the trikru who would not have had the courage to do such a thing. He loved her more in this moment than any other they had shared so far.

 

Octavia returned quickly with enough wood and kindling to build a small fire. It would not last long but it would serve their immediate need. During her absence Lincoln had collected some water from the pool and had begun to clean the blood away from the wounds on Clarkes back. They were not as bad as he first thought. While the wounds were many there were only four that were deep enough for concern. The really problem was the wound around her shoulder. The wolf’s fangs were sharp and they had gone deep. Some of the wounds were torn pretty badly and Lincoln doubted that he could close them properly with what he had at hand. Octavia had finished building the fire and her knife, cleaned in the pool after she pulled it from the wolf’s skull, was sitting in the embers when Lincoln called to her.

 

“This is going to be painful” he began “I need you to hold her down so I can do it quickly without her thrashing around”. Octavia gave a small nod and looked down at her friend. With most of the blood cleared from her back and her shirt pushed up round her neck and off her shoulder she could see Clarkes body better now. She was shocked at just how pale her skin was. That could have just been from the loss of blood but the way all of her bones stuck through her skin, like roots breaking through the earth, almost brought her to tears again. It was obvious Clarke was barely surviving out here and it tore at Octavia’s heart to think that anything she had said to her had caused her to leave.

 

She had been less than kind to Clarke when they had spoken before they entered the mountain. She had accused her of not trying hard enough, of failing all those who looked up to her, who needed her. Octavia knew that she could never truly forgive Clarke for leaving all those people in Ton dc to die but after the mountain she had started to understand that the choices leaders like Clarke had to make were not always clear, not as easy as what was right and what was wrong. She looked down at her friend and vowed to herself that if Clarke lived through this she would never do or say anything to harm her again.

 

Lincoln could see the battle that was being fought behind his lover’s eyes and wanted nothing more than to help her through it but Clarke needed help now, there was little time to waste. “Octavia we need to do this now” his voice was firm but there was compassion in it.

 

Octavia snapped out of her thoughts and looked into his eyes. She nodded again and took another step closer to Clarke. She lifter her left leg over Clarke so she was standing straddling her at about her waist. She knelt down, legs either side of Clarke’s body and sat on the small of her back. Octavia pulled her legs in tight to Clarke’s sides to stop her from rolling around, she then lent forward and placed her hands on Clarke’s upper arms to hold her shoulders down without pressing on the vicious wound.

 

There was enough space between Octavia and Clarke for Lincoln to do what he needed to. He retrieved the knife from the fire, it was glowing orange now the air above it warping with the heat. He positioned himself above Clarke’s head and looked Octavia in the eye. “You need to keep her as still as possible” he told her not breaking eye contact “I don’t want to hurt her more than I have to and it will take longer if she starts thrashing around”.

 

“I know just do it quickly” Octavia said breaking the eye contact “you were right I don’t like this”.

 

“I will” a small sad smile appeared on Lincoln’s lips as he bent down moving his hands and the glowing blade closer to Clarkes back. He took a deep breath before giving Octavia the signal “now”.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

Clarke’s world had fallen to darkness. She remembered the pain of the wolf’s jaw closing around her shoulder, the agony of its claws raking her back tearing at her skin, the sticky hot blood as it left trails down her sides on its way to the dirt. She thought she had heard someone scream her name but couldn’t really hear over the snarling and growling of the wolf that was trying to eat her. At that moment her entire being was only pain and she revelled in it. The guilt, the grief had all been washed aside by the agony of her encroaching death and when the world had fallen to black around her she thought that she had finally been released from her torturous life. There was a weight pressing down on her, stifling her breath, but then the weight was gone and she felt, nothing. Clarke wondered where she was. Was this hell she mused, that was where she thought she would be going but if it was where was all the fire she had read about in books on the Ark? It certainly wasn’t heaven as she knew that she would never be welcomed there with all the terrible things she had done. No this place, wherever it was, was just an empty black nothing.

 

The weight was back now but not stifling this time. It was strange, it almost felt safe, more like an embrace that was holding Clarke still. Then she felt the heat. It moved, slowly, like a hot line a short way down her back until it stopped and moved away. The line still burned when the heat returned, she breathed in sharply as it again drew another slow burning line down her back, longer than the last but still quite short. The world was returning to her now, the colours starting to come back through the blackness. A third line now, with more burning, was being drawn down her back and she let out a scream. The rest of the world snapped back into focus and she realized she was face down breathing in the dirt. Someone was holding her down, sitting on her back, legs pulled in tightly at her sides, hands on her arms, preventing her from moving. There was another person up by her head. Clarke tried to look up but couldn’t get the angle and turning her head from side to side only revealed knees. Her back was on fire. She could hear and smell the sizzling flesh and it made her want to throw up. The heat returned again, another line burning its way down her back and more screams came tearing out of her mouth. She tried to move away, she fought against the weight but couldn’t get anywhere. Then she heard a voice.

 

“Please Clarke try to stay still” the words were spoken softly, there was care in them “we’re almost finished just a little longer”. Clarke thought the voice was familiar but her head was swimming with pain she couldn’t place it. The weight on top of her pressed down more on her arms now. She could feel the heat coming again, to her shoulder this time. It was pressed into her flesh with a firm pressure and she screamed, louder and longer than before. Her vision began to blur as unconsciousness threatened to take hold.

 

“Clarke you need to hold on” the voice was shaky now, there was emotion in it that Clarke could not recognise. “There is only one more but it is big, it’s going to take longer”

 

“No….Please….” Clarke barely managed to breath out this plea before the heat returned. She screamed, the loudest yet, but it was cut short when she passed out the world returning to black.

 

**\----------X----------**

****

Night fell not long after Lincoln had finished closing the worst of Clarke’s wounds. He had used some herbs and moss he gathered from around the cliff to make a salve which he had applied to the rest of her injuries. It would harden and keep them covered until they could get her back to Camp Jaha since they didn’t have anything that could be used as bandages. They had rolled Clarke onto her left side to make it easier for her to breath, making sure not to put pressure on any of her wounds and she now lay curled up next to the fire Octavia watching over her closely.

 

Octavia had refused to leave Clarkes side after she had passed out so Lincoln busied himself with getting more wood for the fire and moving the bodies of the dead wolves away from the camp. Two of the wolves, the one he had killed with the arrow and the one that Octavia had killed with her knife, he had skinned. Both of the pelts were impressive and they could be used to fashion a number of different things but the larger one, the one Octavia had killed, was near perfect. She had shown much courage and bravery in going to the aid of her friend without even a seconds hesitation, more he thought than many of the trikru’s most seasoned warriors, and Lincoln wanted to show that to her. He intended to fashion something special for her from the pelt once he had the time back at Camp Jaha. He looked over to Octavia and smiled. He loved her as much as anyone could love another and was lucky that she returned, at least some of, that love for him. Lincoln finished bundling the pelts up for travel and moved over to Octavia’s side.

 

“How is she doing?” he inquired as he knelt down next to her to check on Clarke’s wounds. Cauterizing the worst of the injuries stopped most of the bleeding but the wounds to her shoulder were still shedding a little blood. He applied some more of the salve to seal them but was optimistic that Clarke was no longer going to die.

 

“She is still breathing” answered Octavia her gaze not leaving the blondes face, she had both of her hands clasped round Clarke’s right, the fingers of her left pressed lightly against her wrist. “And her pulse seems to be getting a little stronger”.

 

“That’s good” Lincoln smiled as he looked up to Octavia. “You did well today, amazing in fact. Clarke is lucky to have a friend like you”. He was a little confused when a tear trailed its way down her check at his words.

 

“A friend?” She scoffed as she lowered her head, closing her eyes. “I don’t deserve to be”. More tears welled up in her eyes now threatening to break her down into a sobbing mess.

 

“Octavia…” Lincoln sighed. He shifted so he was knelt facing her and lent forward trying to look her in the eyes. “What are you talking about?”

 

“We fought the last time we spoke” she moved her left hand away from Clarke’s and up to her face to wipe the tears from her eyes before they streamed down her face. She looked up into his eyes “We fought and I said some very bad things to her Lincoln, hurtful things” her voice was breaking now a few sobs escaped her throat as she struggled to maintain what little composure she still had. “If what I said made her leave in any way then this is my fault”.

 

“This is not your fault Octavia” Lincoln reach forward cupping Octavia’s cheek with his left hand, catching a tear with his thumb and wiping it away. Their eyes locked and he could see the whirlpool of guilt and pain behind his loves gaze. “Clarke left to try and come to terms with what she had to do in the mountain, not because you two had an argument”

 

“But if I hadn’t questioned her, hadn’t blamed her for everything….” Octavia trailed off looking back down to Clarke breaking from Lincoln tender touch. “I didn’t understand then that Clarke was hurting with all the choices that she has made to protect us on the ground. I thought she was cold and heartless but nothing could have been further from the truth”.

 

“She is an excellent leader” Lincoln’s voice was full of respect. “She shoulders the burden of the things that she had done, alone, so others don’t have to. She is a lot like Heda Lexa in tha….”

 

“Don’t ever talk about her!” snapped Octavia. She dropped Clarkes hand and jumped to her feet, stalking off a few paces to the other side of the fire fists clenched at her side’s, adrenalin surging through her body. She turned back around and locked Lincoln with a stare that froze him in place, the grief and pain in her eyes suddenly replaced by burning hot anger. “If Lexa hadn’t betrayed Clarke, abandoning her and everyone else to die then she wouldn’t have had to kill everyone in the mountain. She wouldn’t have left, and wouldn’t be out here trying to kill herself!”

 

“She not trying to…” Lincoln started swallowing hard but was cut off by Octavia, the anger in her eyes flaring as she stepped forward gesturing down to Clarke.

 

“You saw what I saw when we found her Lincoln!” Her voice was trembling, teetering on the edge of rage. “She wasn’t trying to defend herself from the wolves, she was waiting for them to attack. When the wolf was tearing into her she didn’t try and shake it off. She was just letting it happen!” Tears were steaming down Octavia face now. “Look at the cuts on her arms, her face! Look at how thin she is! She’s hurting herself, letting herself waste away because she can’t cope anymore”. The adrenalin was leaving her now, the anger replaced by despair as she sank to her knees and fell apart.

 

Lincoln was looking at Clarke, a pit forming in him stomach as Octavia’s words sank in. She was right. He didn’t want to believe it but she was right, Clarke was in trouble and they need to do something to help. He moved over to Octavia and wrapped his arms around her bringing her into a warm embrace. “We can help her” he spoke lightly trying to be comforting, “we need to get her back to Camp Jaha and then we can help her”.

 

“She won’t go” whispered Octavia though her tears leaning into the embrace with Lincoln, she started to calm with the felling of his strong arms wrapped around her “she wants to be out here, alone. She won’t come”.

 

“Well if it comes to it we won’t give her a choice” Lincoln took Octavia by the chin and brought her head up so he could see her eyes. “I’m not going to leave her die out here, not even if it is what she wants” He leans forward and plants a soft kiss on Octavia’s forehead. Suddenly a sound from behind him caused him to freeze and tighten his grip around his love. It was a sound he had heard many times around Camp Jaha, the sound of a guns safety being flicked off.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

Clarke had been lost in an unthinking, unfeeling sleep when she felt her hand fall to the floor. It wasn’t a particularly hard fall but it stirred her consciousness back from the emptiness enough that she started to hear voices. At first she just lay there not moving the weakness that gripped her body preventing her from even opening her eyes. Clarke could hear voices and she almost jumped when she recognised who they belonged to. Octavia and Lincoln, what were they doing here? She lay as still as she could, keeping her breathing steady even though she wanted nothing more than to jump up and run away. It sounded like Octavia was a few meters in front of her, perhaps the other side of a fire as she could feel a large amount of heat coming from close by. Lincoln however was much closer, up next to her head probably kneeling down, though he was faced towards Octavia as his voice did seem to be directed as such. Then the pain came.

 

Clarke used all of her willpower to keep herself from screaming out. Her back felt like it was burning and her shoulder felt like there were knives being twisted around in the muscles. She could feel the tattered remains of her shirt on the skin of her arms and her chest but could feel that her back was completely exposed, the cool breeze that played across it doing nothing to sooth the burning sensation. She remembered the wolves, how she finally thought that her suffering was going to come to an end and that she didn’t have to run anymore. Why did they interfere? Why did they save her? She didn’t want it, she didn’t deserve it. Then Clarke heard something that made her heart stop in her chest. A name, spat more than spoken, with venom the like she didn’t know Octavia was capable of, Lexa.

 

A white hot rage rose from deep within her soul. It washed away the pain and settled in her chest, urging her heart to beat so fast and so hard she was sure the two people with her would hear it. Clarke had fought hard to push the memory of Lexa to the furthest reaches of her mind burying all the feelings she felt about the Commander deep within her soul. What had happened at the mountain was in no small part because Lexa had betrayed her. Lexa making the deal and retreating all of her warriors had left Clarke with no options, no other way to save her friends, her people, other than to kill everyone in the mountain. Clarke wanted to hate the commander, every fibre of her being was crying out for her to do so but she couldn’t. She understood. Clarke understood why Lexa had done what she had done and that just made her hate herself. Then, in that moment of self-hatred, she knew what she wanted to do. She would find Lexa, no matter what it took and make her finish what she had started when she left her alone at the mountain. Clarke would make Lexa end her suffering, she would make Lexa kill her.

 

Octavia was crying now, Lincoln had moved over to comfort her so Clarke had some space to move. She was about to make a run for it but then she heard what they were saying. They were going to take her back to Camp Jaha, the last place she wanted to be, and they were going to take her whether she wanted to go or not. She couldn’t let them, she wouldn’t. Clarke stood up slowly, silently, and removed the gun from its holster. She trained it on Lincoln’s back, with shaking arms, and clicked the safety off. She could see that Lincoln had heard this in the way he now tensed to protect Octavia. Clarke just stood there for a moment trying desperately to keep the gun held up as silence fell over the small camp.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

“Clarke…” Lincoln breathed quietly, an unbelieving tone to his voice. He knew it could be no one else, even with Octavia’s sobbing he would have noticed if anyone else had approached the camp. He made to turn his head to look back to where Clarke had been lying but froze again when she spoke out to them.

 

“Don’t move!” Clarke half shouted, she was having trouble holding the gun up, the pain in her back and shoulder was returning and it was clouding her mind, making her vision blurry. “I won’t go back!”

 

“Clarke we only want to help you” Octavia started to speak calmly as she looked around Lincoln at her friend. She could see panic in Clarke’s eyes along with a glint of anger. It was obvious she was in pain, Clarke was having trouble keeping her aim and looked like she was about to topple over. “We just want to help you get better”. Octavia slid out of Lincoln grasp and stood up. She raised her hands above her head and made to move away from him.

 

“I said don’t move!” Clarke shouted fully this time moving her aim to Octavia. She stopped moving but then Lincoln stood up and turned around. He copied Octavia and raised his hands but moved away from her around to Clarke’s right. Clarkes head was swimming now, trying to keep her eyes on more than one target was more than she could handle in her weakened state. She tried to take a step back but stumbled a little dropping her aim. Seeing an opportunity Octavia surged round to Clarkes left but froze when the gun was brought back up and trained on her.

 

“Clarke please” a tear was making its way down Octavia’s cheek as she pleaded with her friend voice trembling slightly, “look at yourself, you need help”.

 

“I’m not going back” Clarke was losing her strength now, she was down on one knee the gun held up weakly in her left hand pointing towards Octavia. She brought up her right hand to her head and pressed its palm hard into her right temple. Her head was screaming now, the pain in her back and shoulder were back in full force and her mind was starting to fray at the thought of returning to Camp Jaha. “I’ve killed so many people, I can’t get them out of my head”. Fear was starting to take hold now. She couldn’t go back, the pity, the judgement it would destroy what little she still had left. Panic flared in her chest and she was starting to breathe erratically. Octavia and Lincoln were getting closer now a little more and they would be able to get a hold of her and she would be taken back not being able to do anything about it. Clarke looked frantically between them, tears in her eyes, fear and panic overwhelming her. Breath hitched in her throat and her heart skipped a beat as she brought the gun up to her head, she was sure this time, they would not take her back.

 

“CLARKE NO!” Octavia screamed as she lunged forward. She was like lightning clearing the remaining distance so fast that when the shot rang out the gun had been push up over Clarke’s head and the bullet ricocheted off the cliff face above them. They were struggling for the gun now, Clarke was trying to bring it back down, trying to end it, and Octavia was doing all she could to stop her. Lincoln moved forward looking for an opening to subdue Clarke. The two women were stumbling back and forth, spinning around as they struggle continued. Octavia lost her footing as she stepped on a stone that skidded out from underneath her and Clarke used this moment to push her away. Octavia lost her balance and fell towards the fire. She had almost landed in it, the flames licking up at her face when Lincoln grabbed her mid lunge. He used his momentum to turn her away from the fire and they landed on their backs a metre or so away. Octavia hands came up to her face to feel for burns, Lincoln pushed them away so he could look.

 

“It’s ok” he stated looking over her face, fear placing upon it, “it’s just a mild burn, it won’t scar”. A noise from behind then caught their attention and they both looked up to see Clarke running into the forest.

 

“Clarke!” Octavia shouted and she jumped to her feet and took off after the blonde Lincoln was hot on her heels.

 

They were running at full speed fear fuelling Clarke’s weakened body, her muscles screaming as she tore through the forest trying to get away. Octavia never lost sight of her friend and was moving through the forest with a sense of purpose that made her muscles push that little bit harder and her breathing remained steady even with the effort she was exerting, she felt like she could run forever, Clarke was not going to get away, she would help her friend even if she didn’t want it.

 

“Octavia!” Lincoln called out, he was barely keeping pace with her and found it quite difficult to talk at the same time. “We need to stop her!”

 

“You really think I don’t know that Lincoln?” Octavia partially snapped, she also found it difficult to talk while pushing herself this hard and the words she spoke caused her to start breathing slightly heavier.

 

“No, you don’t understand!” he shot back, lungs burning as he tried to push the words he needed to out “there is a chasm not far ahead, she is heading straight for it!” Hearing this Octavia pushed harder and started to pull away from Lincoln she was going to save Clarke, she had to.

 

Clarke’s body was rebelling against the insane pace she was forcing upon it. The fear that had rooted itself inside of her would only be able to push her so far before her muscles just gave out under the strain. Her head was throbbing and the wounds to her back and shoulder were again filling her with torturous pain. She could feel that some of them had reopened and the blood that escaped them was leaving hot trails down her back. Her mind however had truly started to unravel when faced with a forced return to Camp Jaha and was being flooded with images of all the people she had killed. She was so distracted by this that she failed to hear the roaring sound of water getting closer and realised too late that she was about to run straight off a cliff. She tried to stop but fell to the ground and skid over the edge. Clarke didn’t even have time to process that she was falling before a hand gripped her round the wrist and stopped her decent to the rapids below.

 

Octavia pushed herself harder and harder, she was moving so fast now that the forest around her was nothing but a blur, her entire focus was on Clarke and she was gaining on her with every second. She heard the sound of roaring water ahead and gave herself one final push, barely three meters separated them now and when Clarke dropped and slipped over the edge Octavia had already lunged forward, flying through the air and sliding along the ground just managing to grab hold of Clarkes wrist before she disappeared over the cliff completely. The extra weight and the force of Clarke falling almost dragged her over the edge too but Lincoln arrived just in time to grab hold of Octavia’s legs, stopping her from falling and holding her in place.

 

“Clarke hold on!” Octavia pleaded with her friend, “Please just hold on!”

 

“Just let me go Octavia, please!” Clarke looked up into Octavia’s eyes, tears making her vision blurry. Her head was still swimming with the images of the dead, her body had given up fighting. “I can’t go on like this, please!”

 

“Don’t say that Clarke, not you!” Octavia’s eyes were full of her own tears now, “Everyone still needs you, let us help you!” Octavia was trying to pull Clarke up but didn’t have the strength left after the chase. It was all she could do to hold on and stop her from falling. Lincoln was moving up by her side now, his right arm never leaving her body as he anchored her to the cliff top.

 

“No they don’t!” yelled Clarke, tortured sobs were escaping her mouth between breaths, “I’m a monster, I committed genocide, I killed…I killed children” the word caught in her throat briefly before she forced it out, the image of the children’s bodies flashed before her eyes and she closed them tight turning her head down towards the crashing water below. “Nobody needs that!”

 

“You’re wrong Clarke!” Octavia spoke with confidence, “You did what you had to do to save our people, you had no choice!” Lincoln was up next to her now looking over the edge at Clarke. He stretched his arm down towards Clarke’s, to grab hold and pull her back up, but she was just out of reach.

 

“I know but that doesn’t make it easier” Clarke stopped shouting now, she’s had enough. She looks back up at Octavia tears no longer flowing out of her eyes. She brought her legs up and placed her feet against the cliff face. “I’m sorry”. Octavia can’t hear the words but the look in Clarke’s eyes tells her everything.

 

“Clarke what are you doing!” Octavia is panicking now, she tries harder to pull Clarke up just enough so Lincoln can reach but she has nothing else left to give. “Clarke don’t, please don’t!” She can feel the extra pressure being put on her grip as Clarke starts pushing against the cliff trying to pull her wrist free. Octavia looks to her fingers being stretched around the wrist she is so desperately holding onto. She looks back to Clarke’s eyes, hers pleading for her friend to stop but she doesn’t. “No…no…no…don’t, CLAAARRKE!” Clarke gives one final pull and Octavia’s grip breaks and she begins to fall. Octavia pushes herself forward. Slipping through Lincolns arm and almost over the edge until he stops her. Both of her arms are stretched forward desperately trying to reach for Clarke’s falling form. Octavia lets out a heart-breaking wail as Clarke disappears into the rapids below, tears falling down to mingle with the waters.

 

Lincoln pulled her back up and into his arms, tears even falling from his eyes as he holds her close trying to calm her. They stay like that for a while until Octavia gave into her exhaustion and passed out. He scooped her up in his arms and made his way back through the forest towards their camp. In the morning they will have to go back to Camp Jaha. It would be a long journey, taking most of the daylight hours, made only longer by the weight of the lose that they both now felt.

 

 

****


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me so insanely long i can't believe its finally done. I get distracted so easily i was beginning to think i had set myself up to fail, again. Anyway its here now so i hope you enjoy and while me giving a time frame for more updates would be pointless just know that there will be updates unless i say otherwise.
> 
> In case you are interested i went back over chapter 1 and tweaked some things, there are an extra 800ish words in there now but most of it is just extra detail so there isn't really any need to re-read.
> 
> This time i am not going to forget the warning i have now added to the first chapter. This chapter again deals with the subject of attempted suicide. I'm sorry i didn't include this warning at first and to anyone who it might have caused distress too i am very sorry.

** Chapter 2 **

****

Clarke was running through the forest, terror gripping her heart as she urged herself onwards faster and faster. She was being chased. There were hundreds of people after her, screaming and roaring with rage, and they just kept coming. All of them were burnt, either by fire or radiation, and they all came after her with one purpose, revenge. The sight of the horde was truly horrific. Those burnt by fire were literally running themselves apart their flesh falling from their bones in large chunks only to come together and reform, once their bodies had disintegrated completely, and re-join the chase. The victims of the radiation were just as bad, leaving a bloody wet trail in their wake as every blister and burn on their bodies bled and wept profusely vomiting up bits of liquefied organs without taking pause. They were all monsters and no matter how hard she tried Clarke could not get away. Any time she would pull ahead more of her victims would appear out of the forest to block her path and join the chase. She was exhausted, the only thing keeping her going was fear but that wouldn’t last forever. Her muscles were starting to rebel against the insane pace and before long she collapsed, unable to stand again let alone continue to run. She lay there breathing heavily and closed her eyes waiting for the horde to find her and take their revenge.

 

“You need to wake up princess” the words startled Clarke and her eyes shot open searching for the person that spoke them. Standing over her looking down was the last person she wanted to see in this place.

 

“Finn…” the name left her mouth as barely a whisper and her heart ached. She looked down at his chest breath catching in her throat as she fought back the urge to vomit when her eyes fell upon the blood stain on his shirt knowing full well how it had got there. Finn crouched down next to her, looking into her eyes that were now wet with tears.

 

“Its ok princess” he placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her warmly, squeezing slightly. “This is just a dream.”

 

“But I…” she started with a shaky voice some of the tears in her eyes rolling down over her temples as she furrowed her brow in confusion. Clarke remembered her fall into the rapids and thought, when she woke in this place with the horrors it holds, that she had finally died and was in hell. “I…I’m dead” the screams and angered cries of her pursuers now drawing closer now.

 

“Clarke this is a dream” Finn gave a slight shake of the head and picked up her left hand from the dirt squeezing it tightly, “But you need to wake up or you will die.” She closed her eyes and shook her head.

 

“After the things I have don’t deserve to live” Clarke opened her eyes again and looked back up into Finn’s, tears now in his eyes too. “I have killed so many Finn, innocents, children.” When she remembered the burnt bodies of the children a sob wretched itself out of her throat, tears flowing from her eyes to join it. “I…I killed you.”

 

“Clarke…” Finn started, a tear rolling down his cheek falling from his chin and landing on the back of her hand, “You saved me” he continued the smile returning to his lips, “What the grounders would have done to me…you made it quick and I thanked you for that remember.” He looked up into the surrounding forest, the cries and screams were close now. Finn returned his eyes to Clarkes his look full of forgiveness. “You don’t need to carry the guilt around for helping me princess. You had my forgiveness before my life even left my body.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes and took a long deep breath, Finn’s words seemingly calming something within her. When she opened her eyes again Finn’s head was raised and his eyes were darting around the forest in front of him, worry all over his face. She brought her right hand up to his cheek and wiped the salty trail of the tear from his face. His eyes came back down to meet hers and she smiled. The screaming was all around them now, the monsters almost upon them.

 

“You need to wake up princess, now” with those final words Finn rocked onto his knees leaning forward moving his hands to hold Clarkes face bringing his down to meet hers. The force of his lips on hers, the power of the kiss, had the desired effect just as the horrors began to descend upon them.

 

Clarke’s eyes shot open as she woke suddenly, breathing deep ragged breaths as the fear from her dream was still gripping her. She glanced around quickly not knowing where she was, taking in the view of tree tops and swirling clouds. She judged it to be early morning by the small amount of light in the sky and the bird song she could hear coming from the forest. She became aware of the water next, up to her chest and cold, lapping around her body with a gentle ebb and flow, she must have washed up on the bank further down the river. The cold made her body completely numb and she couldn’t feel much of anything below her shoulders, even less below her waist and when she tried to move, trying to push herself out of the water, her legs refused to work. Clarke started to panic, what if she hit something on the way down the river, thrown into a rock and broke her back, she could be paralyzed. The thought fuelled the fear that was still inside and her panic grew. She tried desperately to move her legs, to kick at the water, even just to wiggle her toes, anything to prove that she could and just when she was about to give up, tears welling up in her eyes, her left leg kicked a little sending  ripples through the water. Relief replaced her panic then as she let out a long slow breath. It must have been the cold effectively locking the muscles in her legs after spending much of the night in the rather cold river. She needed to get out of the water, now.

 

Thankfully her arms still worked, having floated on the surface rather than been held under by heavy boots, though they were fairly stiff. When Clarke brought them back up towards her shoulders, bending them at the elbow to place them on the ground up by her ribs, she could feel her joints creaking. When she pushed down to try and move a pained scream tore itself unbidden from her mouth. Her left hand shot up to her right shoulder on reflex and squeezed, another scream coming forth this time through gritted teeth. She could feel the wounds from the wolf’s fangs in her skin, rough and uneven like the bark of a tree, but she knew that they were not the source of this new pain. Clarke braced herself and squeezed again holding back the scream but hissing through her teeth with the sharp breath she took. She could feel that the pain was deeper, possibly a broken bone, and continued to lightly squeeze around her shoulder to make sure. Then she felt it, a lump hard against the surface of her skin. Her shoulder was dislocated, better than a break because she knew how to fix it but she couldn’t do it lying in the water.

 

Clarke steeled herself, twisting to the left trying to support her weight on that arm. This was going to hurt but she needed to get out of the water. She placed her right arm across her body, holding onto the opposite shoulder to keep it as still as she could. Even this was painful, her shoulder throbbing in disagreement with the action, but what came next was worse. Clarke gripped onto the ground as best she could and pushed, the sudden jerk that came when she moved caused her to scream again as her shoulder jerked with her movements. She didn’t get far but the movement allowed her to turn more onto her side and her new position allowed Clarke to drag herself, little by little, out of the water and towards the tree line. She was about half way up the bank of the river, fully out of the water now, when she felt the first warm rays of the morning sun break through the clouds. By the time she got to the trees, and propped herself up against a nearby stump, the clouds had dispersed and the suns warmth covered her from head to toe. Now she had to deal with her shoulder. Bringing her right knee up to her chest Clarke firmly gripped it with both hands, interlocking her fingers for added grip. After taking a few deep breaths she slowly started to push her leg outwards, straightening her arms to apply pressure to the dislocated joint. The pain was intense but it wasn’t until her arm was fully extended and the joint popped back into place that she cried out.

 

Clarke took a minute to rest after that, letting her arms fall to the ground and leaning her head back against the stump closing her eyes. She recalled what Finn had said in her dream and a small smile began to play at the corner of her mouth. She had been so caught up in the terrible act of ending Finn’s life and the guilt that came with it that she had forgotten his final words to her, forgotten the thank you and the forgiveness that came with it. Her body was warming now and with that warmth Clarke felt a small part of her guilt leave her. Perhaps she will be able to fix herself after all. Then, as a small flicker of hope was birthed inside her soul, her mind was filled with images of the horrors that were chasing her in the dream. The flicker died, doused under a tidal wave of guilt far greater than what just left her, and replaced by the familiar weights of grief and pain. Who was she to think that there was any hope of coming back from this? She had done far worse than end one person’s life. She had ended so many more than just one and there was no forgiveness for that, no coming back.

 

Her eyes were full of tears when Clarke opened them again, staring up at the sky. She looked back down towards the river and they started to fall down her cheeks. Why was she still alive? Why hadn’t the fall or the river killed her? Anger started to creep in now and she brought her head back hard against the stump. Why? Why? Why? Each repeated thought punctuated with another hard hit. The jerks from each strike only served to aggravate her shoulder until the last and hardest strike caused enough pain for her to stop. Breathing heavily she brought her left hand up towards her shoulder again but on the way it knocked against something that caused her to breath in sharply, a hiss through her gritted teeth at the sudden pain. Clarke looked down her eyes widening in shock when they saw what her hand caught on. There was part of a branch sticking out of her stomach, thick like the shaft of a spear, just off to her left side. Without thinking she grabbed the exposed end and started to pull before stopping with a blood curdling scream. With her body now warmed by the sun she could feel everything and the pain was immense. She reached round behind her and yelped when she found the other end sticking out the small of her back. This she could not fix. While the bleeding seemed to be minimal, at least on the outside, if she pulled it out that would change fast and she had no way to stop it. Clarke reached round behind her and felt around the exit wound. There was a large bruise covering most of her lower back tender to the touch, painful even. Clarke sighed and slumped back against the stump earning another deep throb from her shoulder.

 

‘Internal bleeding’ she thought ‘guess I’m going to die after all’. Be it from the bleeding itself or from infection, thanks to the dirty stick she was impaled with, she knew that there was nothing she could do. She lent her head back against the stump closing her eyes to hold back the threatening tears, resigning herself to her fate as she choked back a sob. It was strange, she had already tried to kill herself several times but now it would actually happen she was scared. Clarke fought to keep her rising panic at bay as images of those she had killed played behind her eye lids, her tears breaking free to roll down her cheeks with the effort. She thought of the 300 grounders she burned and heard their enraged screams as her recent nightmare came flooding back. She thought of those she let die at Ton dc and felt the heat and pressure from the explosion press over her body once more. She thought of the mountain and the people she massacred within and when images of the children forced their way to the front she retched, the bile burning in her throat as she fought to force it back down. She thought of her people, her friends and her mother. How they would be better off now that she would be gone, not having to worry about the monster that she has become. She thought of wavy brown hair and piercing green eyes, of how she would catch them falling to glance at her lips and when she held their gaze her heart would beat that little bit faster. She thought of soft lips and how they felt when they were pressed against her own, how she had lent into the kiss…

 

“No!” Clarke growled out loudly as her eyes shot open and she jerked forward from the stump, the pain flaring in her side ignored. Her heart was racing as she drew in deep erratic breaths, the heat she could feel growing hotter as her anger grew. She would not let herself feel this way, not for the woman that betrayed her. With the mounting rage fuelling her muscles and masking her pain she rolled onto her knees and made to stand, using the stump that she leant against to pull herself up. She was not just going to lay down and wait for the end. There was still time and her mind had been made up the night before. Clarke strode into the forest with renewed purpose, she would find Lexa, confront her and make her end her suffering.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

Ton dc was bustling with activity since the march on the mountain. Most of it was centred on reconstruction after the missile strike but some was the people of the village settling back into their normal lives. Children were playing, young warriors were training and hunters were cleaning and skinning their kills to replenish their stores. It hadn’t been long since she had left, traveling to Polis, but Lexa was proud that her people where recovering so quickly. She had been gone for almost 3 weeks dealing with the rescued, her warriors and the other clan leaders but returned as soon as she was able wanting to help the village rebuild, to help it return to how strong it used to be. That want was not the only reason however. Even though she hid it well behind the stoic, emotionless mask of the commander she felt guilt for what had happened. She knew the destruction could not have been avoided but the lives of the 250 that died in the blast because of her decision not to evacuate weighed heavily upon her shoulders. She needed to try and ease the suffering she had caused, any way she could.

 

Lexa found herself patrolling around the village her mind deep in thought. She was thinking back to what she had done that night the missile hit, the choice she had made. Even though she thought it was the right decision at the time, to protect Bellamy and his mission, she couldn’t help but thinking that she could have made a better one. She could have tried to evacuate quietly, get as many out as she could and hope the mountain didn’t see. She could have tried to find the man who was directing the missile towards them, gotten him to change the target to save the village entirely. She could have at least tried to get the leaders of the other clans out, keep their leadership intact, but she did none of those things. If she had only listened to Clarke.

 

Clarke,the name echoed inside Lexa’s head. Her hand tense around the hilt of her sword and her breath quickened. Even now the very thought of the golden haired woman who fell from the stars was bringing up feelings that she thought were long dead and buried. Ever since losing Costia she had kept her heart locked away, guarded behind impregnable walls, vowing never to let love cause her that kind of pain again. However even those could not stop Clarke finding her way inside her soul. She had stirred up emotion that Lexa didn’t even think she could feel anymore. She thought about the kiss and had to fight to supress a smile from forming on her lips. In that fleeting moment she had actually felt happy and even when Clarke had pulled away the feeling did not fully subside. It was only joined with another, one that she had long since cast aside as absurd, hope. Lexa hadn’t been told ‘no’ like she had expected but rather ‘not yet’.

 

At the thought of those words the threatening smile vanished to be replaced by a frown tinged with sadness and regret. Her actions at the mountain, her betrayal of Clarke and her people, would have most likely turned that ray of hope into an unforgiving ‘not ever’. This was made all the worse by the fact that she would never know for sure. The scouts that she left behind to watch the sky peoples retreat had reported that she had left the mountain side but instead of going back to camp Jaha she went into the reaper tunnels. They tried to follow but were attacked by reapers and even though they managed to fight them off there were wounded so they had to pull back to Ton dc. Clarke was thought lost, either to the reapers in the tunnels or the mountain men beyond and even though she hid it well behind the commander’s mask Lexa’s heart had broken. After she had dismissed the scouts and retired for the night to her room in Polis, making sure that her guards understood that she wanted to be alone, Lexa let the commander’s mask fall away. She cried that night, curled up on her bed, for the first time since losing Costia. Lexa was so preoccupied with these thoughts that she was not paying attention to where she was going and would have walked straight into Indra if she hadn’t made her presence known.

 

_“Heda?”_ the voice broke Lexa out of her thoughts, she quickly schooled her features into those of the commander and looked up into the eyes of her trusted general. There was a glint of concern lurking in them but before Indra could give it voice Lexa spoke.

 

_“Indra”_ the tone of Lexa’s voice was as ever that of the commander but inside her mind was still filled with thoughts of Clarke. She turned away from Indra’s stare looking towards the rest of the village _“The reconstruction seems to be going well”._

_“Yes Heda”_ Indra replied casting a worried look in Lexa’s direction before following her gaze, _“The last building should be finished in the next few days. We are planning a feast for celebration”_. The news of the coming festivities piqued Lexa’s interest, she had been feeling rather useless since she got back from Polis, not having the skills needed to actually help with the construction, but with feasting comes the need for extra meat and hunting is something she exceled at. It would also give her some time alone and that is something she wanted a lot of recently.

 

_“Have you sent the hunters out to gather the extra food?”_ she enquired keeping her voice as steady as possible.

 

_“Yes Heda”_ she replied looking back to her commander, if she was insulted she didn’t show it. _“They left this morning and should be back sometime tomorrow”._ Lexa looked up to the sky. She judged it be about early afternoon with the position of the sun, plenty of time to go join the hunt before dark.

 

_“I will go join them”_ Lexa stated as she turned to move towards the outskirts of the village where her tent was located. She need to retrieve her bow and throwing knives before she could leave.

 

_“I will arrange a guard to accompany you”_ Indra made to move towards the warrior’s tents but stopped when she got a reply that she wasn’t expecting.

 

_“There will be no need”_ Lexa forced her voice to be as commanding as possible, _“I can look after myself”._ She wished to be alone so having a guard following her every move was out of the question.

_“Heda you cannot go out into the forest alone”_ Indra objected instantly _“Not even for a hunt, it is too dangerous”._ Lexa’s lips twitched slightly before she forced back the threatening smile. Indra was an excellent general, one of her best, but perhaps a little overprotective. Lexa turned to face her general again a fixed her with a piercing stare.

 

_“I am more than capable of ensuring my own safety Indra”_ she stated firmly, _“we are deep in Trikru territory here and there is but one beast in this forest that I would not be able to best and no amount of guards would change my fate if I came upon one of those”._

_“That may be true Heda but what of the mountain or the Sk…?”_ Indra’s reference to the mountain sparked a burning hot anger to rise in Lexa and the general could see its flame suddenly burstto life in her commander’s eyes as they narrowed and held her own.

 

_“Do NOT talk to me about that place Indra!”_ Lexa’s voice was now sharp as she cut Indra off before she could finish, a slight tremble as her breathing quickened evidence of her barely contained rage, her hand clamped so tightly over the hilt of her sword that her knuckles were white with the effort.

 

_“My apologies Heda”_ Indra broke eye contact with the commander and bowed her head. She wasn’t usually one to make apologies but in this instance she made an exception, sensing that the wrong word may bring about a blood end for her.

 

Lexa glared at the top of Indra’s head for a few seconds, struggling to keep her rage in check, then turned on her heels and stalked away towards her tent. Anyone who saw her coming moved out of her way quickly noticing the dangerous look in her eyes. After she burst through the tent flap she started to lose control. Pacing back and forth in front of her throne images of what happened at the mountains door flooded her mind, each one fuelling her rage further until she lashed out. The models on top of the war table were the first to go, Lexa sweeping her arms over it sending them flying against the wall of the tent and clattering to the floor. The war table itself was next flipped using her rage fuelled strength and almost breaking in two when it smashed against the trunk that held her armour and spare weapons. Lexa looked down when she felt something tap against her foot. Bending down she picked up the carved chunk of wood the served as the model of the mountain and held it in her hands, eyes burning into it as if the glare would crumble the real thing to dust.

 

_“I should have killed them all!”_ Lexa shouted at the model in her hands her fingers stretched across it squeezing with such force that they almost broke. An image of Clarke flashed in her mind, her eyes wet with unshed tears as she pleaded with Lexa not to leave. Breath hitched in her throat and tears glazed her eyes, threatening to break her down. She let out a low growl that grew into a mighty roar, a primal boundless rage tearing from her throat as she turned and threw the model at her throne. It travelled through the air with such speed, such force that when it connected with its target the back of the chair splintered before it toppled over and fell to the floor. Lexa stood there in the middle of her carnage seething, hands balled into fists at her sides so tightly her nails sank into the flesh of her palms. She had her eyes closed trying to will the image of Clarkes pained face out of her mind, the betrayal evident in the glassy blue eyes tearing into Lexa’s heart. A few tears broke free from her eyes leaving salty trails down the skin of her cheeks as they made their way to the floor.

 

Lexa stayed like that for almost an hour trying to regain control. When she finally opened her eyes her breathing had steadied and her hands hung loosely by her sides, the tears that fell having dried on her face leaving behind faint trails as the only evidence of their passing. She looked down at her hands, palms up, noticing the dried blood around the deep nail marks and her fingertips. Lexa moved across the room and through a flap into her sleeping area. There was a large bowl with a jug and several clean strips of cloth placed on a stand next to her bed probably left behind by her attendants when they tidied the room that morning. She paced over to it and poured the water from the jug into the bowl. The water stung a little as she washed away the blood and cleaned the cuts, wrapping a strip of cloth around each hand and tying them in place to keep the cuts clean, but she didn’t react, she had felt enough for one day, now the Commander was in control keeping her emotions firmly at bay.

 

After she finished tending to her hands and washed the dried tears from her face Lexa walked back out into the main room and went to her trunk. She had to pause for a second when she got to the damaged war table but even without her rage she had more than enough strength to move it out of her way. Opening the trunk she retrieved her throwing knives fixing them to her belt. Lexa opted to remove the heavier pieces of her armour, the Commanders pauldron and sash remained as did her bracers but the chest piece and greaves were removed and placed back in the trunk. Finally she slung her bow over her shoulder and round her body along with a quiver of arrows and closed the trunk before striding over to the exit and leaving her tent.

 

As Lexa stepped out into the camp she was met with several cautious, worried, glances. Her eyes meet with them all in turn, hand resting on the hilt of her sword, waiting to see if any would dare approach her. Satisfied when most averted their gaze and the rest made no attempt to approach her she made her way through the camp into the village. She had almost made it to the gate when she noticed Indra walking in her direction worry and concern evident on her face even as she tried to hide it. Having no desire to argue with her general Lexa turned and strode towards the gate moving quicker than she had been before. She had almost made it out of the village when Indra caught up, her voice calling out a mere few paces behind.

 

_“Heda where are y…?”_ Indra began but was quickly cut off by Lexa who turned to look over her shoulder fixing her general with a glare that rooted her in place.

 

_“You forget your place Indra”_ Lexa’s voice was cold and unfeeling like stone having all the presence of the Commander behind it. Seeing any further questions die before they could be given breath she turned back towards the gate. _“Like I told you before I am going to join the hunt”._ With that she started towards the gate again raising her voice to call back to the still stricken general. _“And no guards!”_

 

It took about an hour to reach the hunting grounds but then again it was not like she was rushing. Lexa took her time, practiced eyes searching the forest for signs of something to hunt and before long she had picked up on the trail of a deer. She followed the tracks for another half hour before coming to the edge of a small clearing finally eyeing her prize. He was quite large, as long as she was tall, his antlers spanning probably half of that, big enough to feed many. From what she could see he was magnificent, his pelt was untarnished and the antlers seemed undamaged both would be valuable to any craftsmen that dealt with such things. She followed the buck for another half hour. He grazed on the grass in the clearing before moving back into the forest coming to a stop next to a small stream lowering his head to the water to drink. Lexa moved closer, being careful to make as little noise as possible. She unslung her bow and pulled an arrow from her quiver, placing it against the sting in preparation for the kill. Conditions were ideal, the wind blowing against her face masking her scent and the sound of the stream covering the slight rustle of dry leave as she took her tentative steps. Barely ten paces separated them now, Lexa mostly hidden behind a tree as she drew back the arrow and took aim. She aimed at his head wanting to make the kill as clean as possible and steadied her breath, about to release when she caught movement out the corner of her eye. Her muscles tensed, her aim faltering, it was definitely a person and she knew her people knew better than to sneak up on someone in the middle of a hunt even more so when they were about to make the kill. Lexa spun quickly, training the arrow on the intruder and releasing before even knowing who she was firing at. As the arrow travelled through the empty space between them Lexa looked passed it and at her new target, her stomach sinking and heart skipping a beat as recognition dawned across her face.

 

“NO!” she screamed startling the deer so it ran off. Before she knew what she was doing her body was in motion, trying in vain to stop the arrow before it got to its destination.

****

**\----------X----------**

 

It had taken some time after the fall of Mount Weather for the survivors of the Ark to start growing accustomed to being on the ground. The first week they didn’t even set foot outside of the fence, fearing that with the alliance seemingly broken that they would soon come under attack from the grounders who would try to force them off of their land. With supplies of food and water becoming low however, it was deemed necessary that hunting parties would need to be sent out to gather what they would need to survive. By the end of the second week, with no sign of the grounders at all, it was believed that they were being left alone and with that belief came the hope that they would be able to survive on the ground after all. The hunting parties started to go further away from the camp and search parties had started to be sent out to look for other stations that might have survived the Arks fall. It was difficult however. Even with the jamming signal from Mount Weather shut down they had not been able to signal any of the other stations and it was starting to look like theirs was the only one that had made it to the ground relatively in one piece. By the end of the third week things were looking up. Their hunts were going well providing enough food to stave off hunger and they had found sources of clean water not too far from the camp that would be able to sustain them well enough. Survival really did seem like a possibility after all.

 

Since they had returned from the mountain Bellamy had taken somewhat of a leadership position among the Ark survivors. He had promised Clarke before she left that he would look after her people, those being the survivors of the 100, and that is precisely what he was doing. He had worked hard to make the adults see that they had plenty to contribute and to make sure that they were seen as people to be listened to and respected rather than children to be ignored and dismissed. He had even been given a place on the newly reformed council giving the kids a voice that would be heard on all important matters. Bellamy was proud how the 44 had stepped up to help rather than dwell on what had been done to them although he was always troubled by the missing presence of the one that made this possible. He had waited several hours before telling anyone that Clarke had left. She had made it clear that she wanted to be alone and even though he knew that everyone, especially her mother Abby, would be angry he kept it to himself until it was too late to do anything. Still even knowing that it is what Clarke wanted he would always find himself standing at the fence, staring at the trees, hoping that she would return.

 

It was midway through the fourth week now and Bellamy found himself standing at the gate once again staring at the trees. He had relieved the guard so he could go get something to eat as it was evening and the man had looked like he could do with some food. When he saw some movement at the tree line he held his breath taking a step closer to the fence, hoping that Clarke was about to step out, that she was coming home. When Lincoln and Octavia came into the clearing he sighed then started to feel a bit guilty that he was disappointed it was only his sister and her boyfriend. He watched as the pair got closer a frown appearing on his face when he noticed that something was wrong. Octavia had her right arm in a sling and her eyes were vacant, staring at the ground in front of her like she was looking straight through it. He looked at Lincoln and while he appeared to be uninjured the warrior seemed to be somewhat defeated his presence a mere shadow of what it should be. Bellamy moved over to the gate reaching for the lock.

 

“I’m opening the gate!” he called as he pulled the lever that powered down the fence and opened the gate. He sung it open and jogged out towards the couple, the other guards began scanning the tree line looking for any potential threats. He called out as he got closer “Octavia what happened, what’s wrong?” She snapped out of her trance and looked up into his eyes, stopping barely a meter away from him. Tears started to well up in her eyes, her voice trembling as she tried to respond.

 

“We…we…” she couldn’t get the words out, the tears started to fall as her voice cracked giving way to quiet sobs as she began to cry. Lincoln put his hand on her shoulder and she leant into him, burying her face into his chest. He looked up at Bellamy his eyes watery from his own tears.

 

“We found Clarke” Lincoln’s voice was trembling slightly holding a sorrowful tone. Bellamy stepped closer his heart pounding in his chest, for Lincoln to be like this it can’t be good. “We tried to stop her but she….she….” his voice cracked now, a single tear broke free from his eyes and made its way down his face.

 

“She what!” Bellamy almost snapped, his mind was racing, his body shaking with the thunderous heartbeat that was burning in his chest, “What happened? Where is she?” he pleaded needing to hear the words but fearing he already knew. Lincoln breathed deep, steadying himself. He opened his mouth to give voice to the words that he hoped never to have to say only to be cut off by Octavia.

 

“She’s dead Bel!” Octavia was looking up into Bellamy’s face again, her eyes burning with the tears she managed to choke back long enough so she could tell her brother what happened. “She…killed herself”. After those words had left her she couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and started to sob earnestly turning her face back into Lincoln to muffle the wailing cries she knew were coming.

 

Bellamy turned back to face Camp Jaha, he brought his hands up to his head running his fingers through his hair as he tried to process what he had just heard. A crowd had gathered at the open gate now trying to figure out what was going on. He fought back the tears that were blurring his vision when he found the one face that he hoped he would not. Abby was standing there confusion on her face as she watched the scene unfold before her. He turned back to face Lincoln fixing him with pleading eyes.

 

“Are you sure?” his voice wavering but he wanting to be certain. If he was going to tell Abby that her daughter was dead then he was going to leave no room for doubt. Lincoln’s head shot up from its position resting on top of Octavia’s, anger flashed in his eyes.

 

“You think we would lie about this!” he shouted, braking from his embrace with Octavia as he strode towards Bellamy. Lincoln pulled himself to his pull height and grabbed Bellamy by the front of his jacket. “You were not there! You didn’t see her fall!” Octavia was at their side now, her free arm pushing down on Lincoln’s urging him to release her brother. He did so, turning away and walking a couple of paces, hands on the back of his head, breathing heavily to try to calm himself. Octavia stood in front of Bellamy now, her eyes locked onto her brothers, her own anger evident behind the tears. She reached into the pouch on her belt and removed the watch from inside, holding it out for him to take. Bellamy looked down and could not help tears escaping his eyes when he realized what she was holding. He reached out and took the watch in his hand barely noticing Octavia moving away to re-join Lincoln. He turned back to face the gate, the crowd was bigger now, many of the 44 among its number, and Abby had made her way to the front with Kane by her side. Bellamy swallowed hard and took a deep breath to steady his trembling muscles, steeling himself for what he now had to do. He held the watch in both hands, hiding it from view, as he walked slowly towards the waiting people eyes turned down to the ground.

 

“What’s going on?” Abby’s voice froze him in place, only a few meters separating them. Bellamy looked up into her eyes more tears leaving his own. He opened his mouth as if to speak but words would not come. “Just tell me” Abby ordered taking a couple of steps closer to him. He looked away, letting out the long breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding.

 

“They…They found Clarke” Bellamy’s voice was shaking, his whole body was. Whispers started in the crowd. He brought his eyes back to Abby’s seeing the tears that threatened there as her mind made its own conclusions. “She…she’s…dead” the last word left his mouth with the rest of his breath and he fought to stop himself from crying. He didn’t tell her the how, it would only serve to hurt her more, besides he was having trouble believing it himself. There were gasps from the crowd, whispered protests of ‘no’ but they were silenced by their own tears. Abby just stood there, frozen, the tears that were in her eyes now streaming down her face. Her mind reeling, she wouldn’t, she couldn’t accept it.

 

“No” she finally said her voice fighting and failing to stay together, “n…no she can’t be”. Abby looked at Bellamy searching his face with pleading eyes. He stepped towards her opening his hands and holding something out to her. When she saw what it was she broke. “Noooo…” she wined as she reached out and took the watch in her hands. She was shaking, all the strength suddenly left her legs and she collapsed to the floor clutching the watch to her chest. “Clarke…” she whimpered, falling apart as her heart broke. Abby cried, she truly cried. From the very depths of her soul her sorrow came forth and anyone who heard her couldn’t help but cry their own tears feeling their own hearts constrict at the loss. Kane dropped to his knees next to her, wrapping his arms around her trying in vain to provide some comfort.

 

He stayed there just holding her until the evening sun was low behind the trees. He managed to pull Abby to her feet and took her back inside the Ark, the crowd had dispersed by now, moving off to be by themselves or with loved ones. Octavia and Lincoln moved inside too, still wrapped in each other’s arms, Octavia’s vacant stare back upon her face. Bellamy picked himself up from where he had been kneeling wiping the tears from his eyes as he moved back through the gate. He closed it behind him, the fence humming back to life as he locked it. He stood there for a little while, staring back at the tree line, until he pulled himself away and went inside. He couldn’t imagine anyone getting much sleep tonight.

 

**\----------X----------**

 

Clarke had been moving around the forest for hours now. Her anger had abated some time ago and with it the pain had returned making walking extremely difficult, let alone moving over and around obstacles. It also didn’t help that she had no idea where she was going. When Clarke left the river bank to find Lexa her anger was blinding her so she just took off into the forest in no particular direction. That was stupid. She didn’t know this part of the forest and now with the thick tree cover over head she couldn’t even see the sun to tell which direction she was going in. There was a throb of pain from her side and when she pulled away the hand that was held around the base of the branch it was covered in blood. All the walking she was doing had moved the stick around and opened the wounds more causing the internal bleeding to not be so internal. Clarke was losing yet more blood on top of what she lost to the wolf and new that before long she would lose consciousness and bleed out on the forest floor. She had already started to feel weak and wasn’t so much walking as she was stumbling from tree to tree resting a little longer on each one. She pushed herself off of her latest crutch and made to move to the next when a scream caused her to look up just in time for an arrow to fly past her face, slicing her cheek as it passed just under her ear. Clarke stumbled back her left hand coming up on reflex to apply pressure to the new wound and reaching down with her right to grab her handgun that, amazingly, was still in its holster. Drawing it up along the path of the Arrow her breath caught in her throat as her eyes fell upon the one who fired it.

 

“Lexa...”she whispered as her body began to shake, anger taking root once more.

 

Lexa stopped moving when she noticed the gun aimed at her putting her hands up in front of her to show she meant no harm. Clarke was alive and the happiness and relief she was feeling in this moment caused the Commander’s mask to falter as she cast her eyes over the woman in front of her. She looked over the gun into Clarke’s eyes and her happiness died along with a piece of her heart. There was so much pain, so much anger filling the once brilliant blue orbs that Lexa only just managed to look away, bringing her attention back to the gun, before she was consumed by it and fell to tears.

 

“Clarke” she breathed out, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible her mask held on by a thread. Lexa noticed Clarke was shaking and couldn’t help but glance back to her eyes. What she saw there scared her. The pain was being pushed aside by an anger that was growing to consume everything Clarke was, the kind of anger she knew came with hatred. Lexa looked back to the gun, Clarke’s finger was already on the trigger and the shaking had intensified. Lexa swallowed the lump that was forming in the throat and fought hard against her instinct to move into cover, “You’re alive.”

 

Clarke thought she could hear relief laced into Lexa’s words but she didn’t care. She moved her hand away from her face and looked at it. It had already been covered with her blood so she didn’t really know what she was looking for but once satisfied she returned it to hold the wound in her side earning a small gasp from Lexa as she followed the movement.

 

“What, so now you care?” Clarke spat, her anger still building. “You might have tried that before you left me to die at the mountain!” If she didn’t know better Clarke would have sworn that Lexa had flinched at hearing those words, like they had physically hurt her.

 

“You may hate me Clarke but know that I do care” a slight tremble in Lexa’s voice the only evidence of her warring emotions. She closed her eyes for a second and focused on her breathing. She needed to regain control. Opening her eyes again when she felt her mask settle Lexa forced herself to make eye contact, “Please Clarke” she stepped forward lowering her hands and gestured to the wound in Clarke’s stomach, stopping when the blondes grip tightened on the gun, “Please let me help you.”

 

“I don’t hate you Lexa and I don’t want your help!” the anger inside Clarke bubbling over into a barely contained rage, “I hate myself for trusting you!” Images of the grounder army retreating and being left alone in front of the mountain flash through her mind, she thinks of the lever, she remembers the children, “All that got me was pain and my hands covered with innocent blood!”

 

Lexa’s heart clenched. Clarke had trusted her. She had trusted her and was repaid with betrayal and death.

 

“Clarke, if the blood of your people is on anyone’s hands its o…” Lexa started before being cut off her voice shaking a little as tears threatened behind her eyes.

 

“I’m not taking about my people Lexa” Clarke spoke with a sharpness to her voice sneering out her name, her rage simmering just before breaking point, “I managed to save my people.” A twinge of confusion in the back of her mind set a slight frown on her brow. Did Lexa not know?

 

“Y…you…managed to save them?” Lexa was stunned, confused. If Clarke had rescued her people from the mountain then what was she doing out here?

 

Clarke laughed loudly throwing her head back and dropping her aim in the process, coughing and wheezing with the effort. She brought her hand to her stomach, gun with it, to brace against the jerks that came with her sudden levity. Her anger faded to the background but she was losing it.

 

“Are you telling me that the ‘great commander’ doesn’t know?” Clarke couldn’t believe it, she was almost certain that Lexa would have left scouts to watch the mountain even with her new deal.

 

Lexa clenched her jaw and narrowed her stare. She did not like being mocked and the tone Clarke used when speaking her title was just that.

 

“The scouts I left to watch your retreat told me that you had gone into the reaper tunnels but when they tried to follow they were attacked and had to pull back” Lexa was eying Clarke warily now, the manic laughter doing nothing to ease her nerves. “We believed you killed by the Reapers of captured by the mountain.”

 

Clarke stilled suddenly and straightened, the hand with the gun hanging limply at her side. The anger was still there but it had lessened replaced by a dark shadow that made Lexa worry more. Clarkes eyes were distant, unfocused, as if looking back at a memory.

 

“I met Octavia in the tunnels and when Bellamy opened the door we entered the mountain,” Clarke’s voice was weak, full of pain and sorrow, as she recounted what happened in the mountain, “We took Dante hostage and went to the control room. I killed him to prove a point to his son.”

 

Lexa did not know who this Dante was but to hear Clarke had killed him just to make a point set ice in her veins.

 

“I don’t know how but for some reason cage had my mom. After I killed his dad he took Raven off the table they were using to drill into my friends and put my mom on it,” tears were streaming down Clarkes face now, Lexa could see this memory was painful, “They started drilling into her, I could see her screaming on the monitors so I…I…”

 

Clarke was sobbing now, she couldn’t get the last words out of her mouth. Lexa had closed the gap and cupped Clarkes face in her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. Whatever had happened had broken Clarke and seeing her relive it was doing the same to Lexa, she had tears of her own playing in her eyes.

 

“I…I killed them,” Clarkes words froze Lexa in place, “I killed them all.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes, talking about what she had done helped a little. She could feel herself letting go of a part of the guilt but it was a small part, it wasn’t enough. There was just so much of it, her plan hadn’t changed. She could feel hands on her face and for a moment she leant into the touch before realising that it could only be one person. Her eyes shot open and all she could see was green eyes staring back full of understanding and something that made her anger return instantly, happiness. Clarke brought her bloodied left hand up and pushed Lexa away as hard as she could, stepping back a few paces before bringing her gun back up between them.

 

“NO!” she roars, “You don’t get to understand, you don’t get to be happy about what I did. What I did was wrong, it was monstrous, I am a MONSTER!” Lexa had not gone far but stilled her advance again when she saw the gun pointed at her once more.

 

“You are not a monster Clarke, you are legend!” Lexa’s voice was full of pride and reverence, Clarke had done a great deed for her people and she had to make her see that, “The people inside that mountain were the monsters, they took my people for decades, drained them of their blood and throwing them away like nothing!”

 

“There were innocent people in there Lexa!” Clarke was incensed, rage filled her entire being, “People that helped us, sheltered my friends. For god sake there were CHILDREN!”

 

“No one in that place was innocent Clarke and the children would have grown up to be just like their parents” Lexa had to be careful, she could see that Clarke was struggling to stay in control and this argument was only helping to weaken that struggle, “Come with me back to Ton dc Clarke, I can help you understand.”

 

“There is only one thing I want from you Lexa” Clarke fixes Lexa with a glare that makes her blood run cold, “and you will give it to me, one way or the other” Clarke gestures to the gun in her hand with a flick of her head.

 

“And what is it that you want Clarke?” Lexa was getting angry now, she did not like been threatened.

 

“I AM a monster Lexa,” Clarke lowered her aim slightly, fighting hard to control her rage, “One that you created when you ran away and left me with no other options.”

 

Lexa bristled with anger at the notion that she ran away like a scared child but Clarke’s next words smothered that anger and left a pit in her stomach that might never be filled.

 

“Monsters need to be put down Lexa and I have already tried several times” Clarke drops her arm to the side, standing before Lexa eyes closed and head bowed slightly, defenceless, “I want you to kill me.”

 

Lexa feels like she has been punched in the gut and the Commander’s mask falls away, she can’t breathe as tears break from their prison in her eyes.

 

“Clarke…no…I…I can’t, I won’t,” her tears are falling freely now, the commanders mask gone, Lexa’s voice breaking along with her heart, “not you, never you!”

 

Clarke stares at the woman in front of her knowing this is the first time she has seen her this open and truly vulnerable but it doesn’t matter.

 

“Is that your final answer?” the question is cold but her voice is shaking with her barely controlled rage. Clarke raises her head and opens her eyes fixing Lexa with a burning glare.

 

“I will never kill you Clarke” Lexa is trying to collect herself, with the mask gone she has to rely on her own conviction and the truth behind her words, “I care for you too much.”

 

Clarke scoffs at this confession and tightens her grip on the gun. She doesn’t even know if it will fire, it had been in the river with her for most of the night.

 

“Fine,” Clarke brings her arm back up and takes aim, “Then I will make you.” With that she pulls the trigger.

 

The first shot catches Lexa by surprise, the bullet hitting her in the left shoulder just below the Commander’s pauldron. It is one of the greatest pains she has ever felt but now is not the time to fall victim to such things and as quickly as it appeared it was gone again, locked up behind the Commanders walls. The second shot misses, passing so close to her face that she can feel the air press against her cheek with its passing. She is moving now though and the third and fourth shots miss completely as she darts behind a tree for cover with a fifth biting into the tree itself, spitting out splinters. Lexa runs out from the other side of the tree circling around trying to keep as much cover between them as she can. The grounders know how to fight against people with guns having lived in fear of the mountain for so long and the key is to keep moving. A sixth shot rings out and the bullet grazes her right forearm, cutting deep but not deep enough to be of concern. When she hears the tell-tale click of an empty gun she turns and charges right at Clarke. When she is close enough Lexa lunges, tackling the blonde to the ground and knocking the gun away. She receives several glancing blows while trying to restrain Clarke but refrains from striking back herself, she doesn’t want to hurt her more than she already has.

 

“Just kill me!” Clarke screams as she struggles against the strong arms of the woman who is pinning her down. The anger coursing through her body is giving her the strength to continue the fight but it isn’t enough, “Please, I can’t go on like this!”

 

“No!” Lexa yells back. She is using her entire body to hold the blonde down, her forearms pulled in tightly against Clarkes upper arms with her hands pressing down on the other’s shoulders. Lexa’s knees were planted firmly in the dirt at Clarke’s thighs to stop them from rolling around but it was difficult as the other woman seemed to be getting stronger as her rage took hold, “I will not kill you for something that had to be done!”

 

“Had to be done!?” Clarke’s rage was building rapidly her muscles screaming against their confines to tear into the weight on top of them, “HAD TO BE DONE!? The only reason I had to do it was because you LEFT ME!” Clarke slammed her hips up into Lexa’s stomach and pushed them off the ground a little, almost throwing her off before crashing back down. She got her left arm free and brought her fist up hard into the brunette’s jaw rolling with momentum gained with the blow to reverse their positions. Clarke’s vision blurred as her rage erupted into a terrifying assault. Nothing else existed except the woman that was trapped under her as she rained down blow after blow.

 

Lexa tried to defend herself, bringing her arms up over her face to block the flurry of strikes but they were so wild and full of raw power that some managed to get through or around her guard. After one such blow made a solid connection with her mouth and split her lower lip wide open she knew that she was going to have to fight back. As Clarke drew back for her next strike Lexa surged upwards and pushed her back. As the blonde’s weight shifted she freed her legs and brought one up into the girl’s stomach, being mindful to not hit the worsening wound, forcing her away completely. Scrambling to her feet Lexa pressed the advantage and soon had Clarke pinned up against a tree with her forearm across the blonde’s shoulders.

 

“I did…what I did…for my people…” both of them were breathing heavily now and Lexa’s words came out in between deep breaths, “Just like you what you did…was for your people.” Their faces were mere inches apart now and they could both feel the others breath against their cheeks. Lexa looked Clarke in the eye and could see the flame of her rage die down and felt her body start to succumb to exhaustion. With its death came the return of pain and sorrow but there was something else, something more, hidden behind all the hurt and sadness but she couldn’t make it out. Lexa dropped her arm to her side and took a step back, her eyes never leaving Clarkes. “I understand what you are going through Clarke, more than you would care to know.” Lexa drops her gaze to the ground before turning away, “Death is an easy way out and I will not give it to you, but I can teach you how to live with your choices and move past them.”

 

Clarke looked at the back of Lexa’s head and smiled. It was small and stung slightly as it pulled at her dry and cracked lips but it was a smile none the less. She had no doubt that the commander had done things in her life that might have been terrible but this was the ground and terrible things happen here almost daily and Lexa had grown up with that and adapted. How could Lexa not grasp that they were two entirely different people? Clarke had no idea life could be so unforgivingly brutal before she was dropped from the Ark and couldn’t see how she could ever come to terms with the things that needed to be done to survive down here. Death might be the easy way out but right now, she was fine with that. Lifting her left hand back up to the wound in her stomach she grabbed the end of the stick tightly and pulled. A few seconds, some sharp groans and a shout of “Clarke don’t!” from Lexa later and the stick came out with a sickeningly wet shucking sound.

 

Lexa had spun back to face Clarke quickly when she heard the pained groans coming from the blonde. Her plea of “don’t” was ignored and before she could close the gap to stop her the stick was out and tumbling to the ground.

 

“What have you done?” the shock and bewilderment evident in her voice as she knelt at Clarkes side pressing her hand to the now open wound to stanch the bleeding. It was no use, there was too much and the hot and sticky blood escaped through her fingers and coated her hand. “Clarke why?”

 

“I’m not like you Lexa” Clarke’s voice was weak and pained as she slipped down the tree to the ground, Lexa moving with her, leaving a bloody stain on the bark, “I’m not strong enough to deal with life on the ground. I’m not strong enough to keep making the decisions between life and death. It’s too much, I’m sorry”

 

Lexa, noticing the blood on the tree, reached round behind Clarke with her free hand and when it came back covered in more of the blonde’s blood she silently cursed to herself. Removing her hands from the slowly dying body in front of her she quickly removed her bracers, dropping them to the ground, and then tore both of her sleeves from her shirt. She folded them into rough bandages and then held them to the wounds in Clarke’s stomach and back.

 

“I am not going to let you die Clarke” Lexa’s voice taking on a serious tone. When she was certain the bandages would stay in place she grabbed the Commander’s sash and tore it from the pauldron. Wrapping it around Clarke’s body and tying it tightly over the wounds, “Even if I have to go to Camp Jaha and risk their guns I swear that you will live.” Lexa looked up to the blonde’s face and started to panic. Clarke was already unconscious and visibly paler. “Clarke? Clarke!?” When she got no response she reacted quickly. Grabbing Clarke by the wrist Lexa stooped and pulled her up onto her left shoulder over her pauldron. Pain flared briefly from the bullet wound but was quickly shutdown again. She had no time for anything that was not helping to keep Clarke alive. Looking around Lexa got her bearings quickly and set off towards Ton dc, her hunt had taken her about an hour away from the village but that was at a moderate walking and prowling pace. Weighed down like she was but running Lexa hoped she could cut that time in half because as sure as she was that she would not let Clarke die she knew that without help soon, nothing would be able to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, as always comments are welcome and encouraged and know that I will try with all my might to not take so long on the next chapter...

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions. I don't know when i will update, if i update, it will depend on how this is received and if i can actually motivate myself to do it. I often have trouble with motivation, this look me like 3 weeks to write so....


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